It is hard to know when and how to talk to your child about their autism diagnosis. It can feel overwhelming—for you and them—but it’s important to begin helping them understand who they are and how they interact with the world. Just as every child is unique, every child with autism is unique, and no one conversation will cover all the things they need to know. 

Consider thinking through a few things before you sit down with your child. The most important thing is to frame the conversation in a positive, supportive, and empowering way. Hopefully, this blog post will guide you through when and how to approach the autism talk. 

Understanding what autism looks like for your child. 

Before you have a conversation with your child about their autism, it is essential for you to truly understand what it looks like for your child. Some of the common symptoms associated with autism may not be part of your child’s diagnosis, while others could be pervasive. You may want to process this with your partner or someone close to your family first. 

A helpful exercise to prepare you for the conversation is to explain how having a child on the autism spectrum affects your child and family. The first step in this process is to identify your child’s strengths and challenges and be able to talk about them honestly with those closest to you. 

Here are some things you can do in the preparation stage of the process:

• Educate yourself on autism. Know how it presents in your child. List their specific needs, strengths, and areas of support. Use your informed understanding to help shape the conversation with your child. 
• Practice talking about autism with your partner or close friend. Just like with anything, the practice helps you be more confident and comfortable with what you want to say. 

Finding the right time to talk to your child about their autism. 

Whether it’s a planned conversation or it happens spontaneously, there’s no one right time to discuss your child’s autism. The timing will likely depend on your child’s development and ability to understand or their curiosity about their differences. 

Many experts recommend discussing it with your child earlier rather than later. The idea behind these recommendations is to help your child build self-awareness over time. But again, there’s no predetermined age by which you should have this conversation. All children, even those with autism, mature differently. As their parent, you’ll know when it’s right for your family.

Here are some things to keep in mind about the timing:

• Pay attention to their questions and cues. If they start asking, “Why am I different?” or “Why do I go to therapy?” you can use these cues to lead into the conversation. 
• Be prepared not only for the initial conversation but for ongoing conversations. As your child grows, their questions may change as their understanding changes. Be ready to reenter the discussion as they become more aware of who they are and struggle to understand it. 

Use positive, empowering language that is also age-appropriate.

How you talk about your child’s autism sets the tone for your child’s self-perception. When you label autism as what your child has, be sure to emphasize that it is not who they are. It is only one part of them. Autism gives them unique strengths as well as areas where they struggle. 

Explain to your child in an age-appropriate way. 

When they are young, it can be as simple as “Having autism means your brain works differently from most people. It can make some things easier and some things harder.” This conversation will become more nuanced and specific to their challenges as your child ages. You may need to discuss in-depth things like why they go to therapy and ways to help them navigate school, friendships, and social situations. 

Regardless of how old they are, keep these things at the forefront of your mind in all of your conversations: 

• Highlight their specific strengths over and over again.
• Avoid telling them there are certain things they can’t do. 
• Read them books about what it’s like to have autism, such as Uniquely Wired by Julia Cook or I See Things Differently by Pat Thomas.
• Show them characters like Julia from Sesame Street or Pablo.
• Point them toward role models with autism in different fields like technology, art, or science as they get older.
• Reassure them that they are loved and supported and that you will help them navigate hard things for them.
• Explain Therapy: If they attend ABA therapy or other services, explain that these therapies help them develop skills to succeed in school, friendships, and daily life.
• Teach Self-Advocacy: Encourage your child to share when something is hard for them and to understand that asking for help is a strength.

When children may not be able to understand their diagnosis.

It’s important to acknowledge that though many individuals with autism will be able to engage in a conversation about how their diagnosis affects their daily living, many will not. My son falls into this category. If that’s your child, too, I see you. It’s still crucial for us to understand on a deep level who our child is and how their strengths and weaknesses affect their life because, in many ways, we are their voice. We must be able to communicate these things on their behalf to their teachers, peers, and even strangers in the community.

Children who are more profoundly affected by autism are, in many ways, shielded from caring about the opinions of others and needing to conform to a society not built for them. As their parents, that load falls primarily on us. A big part of your job will be to find places of acceptance and accommodation so they can thrive. 

If your child, like mine, isn’t able to engage in a conversation about their diagnosis, perhaps the conversations you may be having about autism and its effects are with siblings and close family members. How we love and nurture our children with autism requires lots of empathy, patience, and understanding for those who live with them day in and day out. 

Continuing the conversation about autism.

Talking to your child about their autism diagnosis can feel daunting. However, you may feel better after you’ve had the initial conversation. With patience, love, and an invitation to keep talking, you will help them embrace who they are and grow into a confident, self-aware individual.

Remember, if it doesn’t go how you envisioned, everyone processes this differently. It may take time. It is just one conversation of many to come. Approaching this journey with empathy, encouragement, and an openness to understanding them will go a long way. 

What questions do you have about talking to your child about autism?

We’d love to hear from you in the comments below. If you found this post helpful, please feel free to like, share, and follow us for more insightful content on autism and ABA therapy.

If a positive, play-based approach to ABA appeals to you, we invite you to reach out to BrightPath Behavior. The friendly team at BrightPath is always ready to help answer your questions.

Kathy McClelland is a freelance copywriter and marketer for pediatric healthcare and special education brands from Austin, Texas. Before becoming a mom, her work included promoting medical journals and online publications for the American Academy of Pediatrics and parenting books for Tyndale House Publishers. When her second son was born with a rare genetic condition, she was thrust into the world of special needs parenting. Her website is kathymcopywriting.com.

Disclaimer: While I am a consultant writing on behalf of BrightPath Behavior, my child is not a current client. The views and experiences shared in this blog post are entirely from a parent’s perspective. My goal is to provide informative content and insights based on my personal experiences, as well as interviews conducted with the staff at BrightPath Behavior.

Note: The information provided in this article is for general guidance and does not replace professional advice. Please consult with a healthcare professional or therapist for personalized guidance.