How to Cope with Holiday Stress

Since the holiday season is in full swing, many of us worry about getting the perfect gift, making travel arrangements, putting our finances in order, or welcoming back the young adults who just completed their first college semester. This produces a lot of holiday stress and anxiety during one of the most exciting times of the year. More importantly, this is the part of the year where we are spending the most time with our families.

Thinking about visiting relatives can be the most stressful thing we experience all year! However, it is important to practice self-care during these times so we can be the best for ourselves and for our families. The American Psychological Association (APA) has a Holiday Stress Resource Center to assist those who might be experiencing stress this time of year. The following tips are to help alleviate the stressors that go along with “the most wonderful time of the year.”

Difficult Conversations That Contribute to Holiday Stress

Given the current political climate it is easy to make our thoughts and feelings known, especially to those closest to us. It is important to agree to disagree when we feel ourselves getting upset. Unproductive arguments definitely contribute to holiday stress. A tip APA provides is to have a conversation goal in mind and engaging in like-minded topics. Hopefully, this will help keep heated discussions to a minimum and lead to more positive interactions with our relatives.

In addition, it is important to know when a conversation is no longer productive. Once we realize that the conversation is no longer moving forward, it is important to step away and give ourselves permission to gather our thoughts and feelings. This helps us to resist the impulse to say things we do not mean and things we cannot take back. In the moment it may feel great to get in a quick insult. However, it does not make for a pleasant holiday experience. While we are having these heated discussions, we often forget that we may see our relatives at future family gatherings. That is why it is crucial for us to be aware of how we may come across to others.

Positive Communication to Reduce Holiday Stress

When communicating with our families, it is important to make sure we are properly expressing ourselves. This helps to release any tension or animosity regarding difficult conversations. A popular communication strategy is called DEAR MAN. DEAR MAN helps us to communicate without judgement and to be aware of how we present topics that are important to us. The following outlines the DEAR MAN communication skills:

  • Describe the problem without judgement
  • Express yourself using an “I feel….” statement
  • Assert what you need from the other person as clear and simple as possible
  • Reinforce the benefits of communication by indicating what the other person may get out of what you are saying
  • Be Mindful of your posture, tone, facial expressions and the other person’s as well
  • Appear confident with using eye contact, clear speech, nodding, and having an open posture
  • Negotiate suitable alternatives and be willing to compromise

Manage Expectations 

After watching many holiday movies over the years, I have noticed that they always end with a happily ever after. In fact, most of the problems the main characters experience pales in comparison to what we experience all the time. With that said, APA offers another tip about managing our expectations during the holidays. This is especially important for parents of college age students who are returning after their first semester.

The first semester of college is a period of adjustment for any student due to harder classes, more independence, meeting new people, and trying to maintain connections from high school. When students come home, it is not surprising that they want to sleep, not talk about school, and spend time with friends they have not seen in months. As parents it is important to remember this may have been the first time their child has been able to truly relax in months. Also, it is important for parents to keep in mind that their child is growing, maturing, and has spent a considerable amount of time on their own. If parents are feeling that their child is not spending as much time with the family over the holidays, it is even more important to utilize positive communication strategies.

Practice Self-Care 

Most of us look forward to the holidays, because it is most likely when we will receive a break from work. However, we continue to be busy with preparing for the upcoming festivities and events. This can have us feeling like we did not get a break. That is why it is important to practice self-care during this time of year. Self-care can be whatever you want it to be. Some enjoy a nice bubble bath, while others enjoy exercising. Practicing self-care should not be something we do during the holidays or in times of extreme stress. We should incorporate it into our daily schedules as much as we do with technology. Giving yourself 30-minutes a day to focus on your own emotional needs is the best thing you could do for yourself.

In conclusion, we all want the holidays to bring about amazing experiences and memories. For those experiences to be great we need to be mindful of our own well-being and the well-being of others. Positively communicating with others, knowing that not everything or everyone is perfect, and understanding the importance of self-care will help to make this time of year special.

Resources  

Redshirting – Should You Delay Kindergarten?

This week thousands of 5-year-old children in the U.S. and in the Austin area will be getting onto school buses to head toward their first day of kindergarten. But, there is a growing group of 5-year-olds that will not be getting on the bus; but will instead be staying in preschool for another year. It’s a dilemma many parents of young children face, particularly parents of children who are on the edges of school age cut-offs: “Should I hold my child back for an extra year?”

What is Redshirting?
Delaying a child’s entrance into kindergarten – often called redshirting after the collegiate practice of having athletes who are postponing play for a year wear red shirts on the sidelines –  has become more common in the past few decades. The rise in redshirting corresponds to a systemic increase in the rigor and structure of kindergarten curriculum. Parents hope that holding their children back a year will give them a competitive advantage as a result of being more developmentally advanced than their peers. This reasoning is based upon data from athletics showing that children born right after an age cut-off (so, they would end up being the oldest on the playing field), have a competitive advantage. Malcolm Gladwell discussed in his popular book Outliers: The Story of Success that Canadian boys born in early January (right after the January 1st birthday cut-off) had a much greater likelihood of becoming hockey stars.

But, does this logic hold in other settings? Being the biggest and most developed child can convey a competitive advantage in some sports, but is this is the case in academic settings? The short answer is, not really. Although some early studies indicated that there was a competitive advantage to being the oldest in a class, more recent investigations have revealed that redshirting can actually do harm in the long-run. Indeed, the National Association for the Education of Young Children strongly recommends against redshirting.

What Does the Research Tell Us?
As outlined in a recent article in the New Yorker, studies have found that older and bigger kindergarten students perform better (they are less likely to receive negative feedback from teachers, have higher test scores, and fewer reported problems concentrating), but only initially. Such early advantages takea sharp turn downward and are essentially gone by 8th grade and, by college, relatively older students consistently lag behind. A study in 2006 involving 15,000 students from California and Texas found that redshirted children performed worse on standardized tests in 10th grade, were twice as likely to drop out of school, and were less likely to graduate from college. The only positive outcome in these children was that they were more likely to play varsity sports (again, a competitive physical advantage). These results were further supported by other studies such as a Harvard investigation in 2008 which found that delayed academic entry resulted in lower rates of high school and college completion and lower lifetime earnings. It is important to note, however, that these results are based on correlations (which don’t prove causation) and it’s possible that redshirted children were more likely to have delayed school entry due to learning or developmental concerns that then contributed to their increased negative outcomes.

Perhaps even more convincing is a well-designed investigation conducted by economists in Tennessee in 2007. In the study, students were randomly assigned to kindergarten classrooms in order to remove the potential effects of parents or educators influencing a child’s class placement. Children were not necessarily redshirted, but by chance some were oldest and some were youngest in their respective classrooms. Investigators then examined how a child’s relative age in the class influenced long-term outcomes and they found that children who were older than their classmates scored significantly lower on achievement tests (both in kindergarten and in middle school), were more likely to repeat a year, and were less likely to take college-entrance exams.

So, why might a child who is relatively younger be at an advantage? The predominant hypothesis is that children who are surrounded by older peers in the classroom receive a developmental boost from the increased stimulation and challenge of their environment. Essentially, they have to strive to keep up with their older peers and this increases their rate of learning and development with lasting effects. This hypothesis is supported by other developmental psychology research that finds that grades with mixed age levels have a positive effect for the younger students, but only when the majority of the students are older.  Younger children are able to level the playing field through their consistent efforts in an intellectually and academically challenging environment.

How To Decide
The question parents should ask themselves when deciding whether to redshirt is: Do I want my child to have a short-term advantage or a long-term one? While a younger 5-year-old in kindergarten may have to work a bit harder to keep up with older peers, that challenge creates an environment in which a child is pushing his/her limits and learning that through hard work and persistence (what researcher Angela Duckworth calls “grit”) they can reach the level of their peers. The decision to redshirt your child is an individual one based upon many factors such as finances, a child’s emotional development, and fit with a kindergarten setting. While there are no certainties when it comes to how your individual child might be impacted by the decision to redshirt, based on current data, it would likely be wise to think twice about holding him/her back a year.

Up next, we’ll outline some questions that can help you decide whether to redshirt or not. As always, if you have serious concerns about your child’s development and/or readiness for kindergarten, please consult with a professional to discuss your observations as well as the possibility of a comprehensive evaluation.