Mourning the Loss of Senior Year

/in /by

I originally planned to write this blog on how parents and students can prepare for the “End of Year” activities. A major aspect of COVID-19 is the impact this will have on high school seniors. I honestly cannot fathom how high school seniors are processing on losing out on the best part of high school. It is also important to consider how families are processing the cancellation of these events as well. Parents should give their children the opportunity to express their feelings on mourning the loss of senior year.

Grief

Many people have heard that grief is a process. Grief does not only have to pertain to the loss of a loved one. Anyone would feel a sense of loss if the situation they have hoped and dream for suddenly went away with no fault of their own. I believe that this is what makes this time so heartbreaking to seniors and their families. The COVID-19 epidemic was not anyone’s fault; however, millions of lives have already been changed. There are five stages in the Kübler-Ross model of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. It will be critical for parents to let their children go through each stage, while offering unwavering support. Parents should also reassure their children that educators are working around the clock to make sure that high school seniors do not miss out on all the end of year experiences.

Understanding Your Child’s Needs

While I am sure most seniors are upset about the current circumstances, parents should not be alarmed if their child is not as upset as expected. It is important for children to understand we all handle loss differently. For your child, maybe they are more interested in what the future has to offer rather than the present. If your child does not want to talk about what they are feeling, that is okay too. It will benefit your child to let them process their feelings on their own to build resilience. I believe it is important for seniors to continue to engage with each other online. Parents should encourage their children to continue to reach out to their friends, within reason, to foster a sense of community. Finally, parents and families have posted on the internet fun and interesting ways on how you can celebrate this time with your child. I saw a video of a girl in her prom dress while she and her family danced in the living room. There was another video of another student in her cap and gown and her family created a graduation ceremony for her.

Talking with the School

For many educators, they are also mourning the loss of senior year. There are teachers and coaches who have spent much time with students who may not see them graduate. As of now, schools across the country are planning on how they can give high school seniors the experience they deserve. If you have not heard what may be planned, it will be important to call the school to gather that information. In addition, many schools are tentatively pushing graduations into the late summer. Parents and seniors should be aware if this coincides with students needing to move into college. To reduce any anxiety parents may be feeling about making this time special, parents should also get information on how or if the school plans to honor students in the meantime.

What Can the Community Do?

Now more than ever, it is apparent that putting the needs of others first will only make us stronger. I feel that it is up to the community to do what it can to support high school seniors during this time. I have seen on Facebook where people are “adopting seniors” and sending them graduation care packages. Things in the package include college t-shirts and graduation decorations for the outside the students’ house. There are also other ideas neighborhoods and communities could plan. One, would be to have all the high school seniors to dress up in their caps and gowns and to walk down their neighborhood street. Neighbors would have the opportunity to offer their congratulations, but also while engaging in social distancing. Another idea would be to have a “car parade” where neighbors drive past the house of a high school senior while honking their horns and waiving signs. I think if anything, it is important for seniors to have as close to a normal experience as possible.

In conclusion, this should be a much happier time for those in the world of education. Parents should be prepared for their child to display a range of emotional reactions, while mourning the loss of senior year. Even though things are not the norm, it is important for children that we maintain as much consistency as possible. All high school seniors should feel happy about their accomplishments, despite enduring COVID-19. It will be up to the parents, educators, and community leaders to make sure that these students are able to celebrate themselves.

How to Talk to Your Child About Friends

/in /by

Friends are important parts of our lives because we choose to interact with them. For children, making and having friends is probably the most valuable experiences they can have. Looking back on my childhood, I can remember having amazing experiences with my friends. As I grew older, I was able to see how those friendships changed over time. Many parents, especially those who are raising teens begin to worry about the peers who may be negative influences. This can cause tension in the home if parents do not agree with their child’s choices in friends. Below are some tips to help parents to talk with their children about friends.

It is important to mention that this blog was written before the COVID-19 epidemic. Even though we are needing to practice social distancing, now would be the perfect time on how to talk to your child about friends. Once we can socialize in groups, please try some of the suggestions to see if your impression of your child’s friendship choices improves.

Early Age Friends

When children are younger, it is important for parents to demonstrate positive friendship behaviors and discussions. First, children should be asked what they would like in a friend. Hopefully, this helps children to begin looking for positive attributes in others. Also, it is important for children to practice how to be a good friend to others. Parents could pretend to be a same age peer while playing and positively praise their child when they engage in socially appropriate behaviors. Next, children and parents need to thoroughly discuss the difference between friends, best friends, and other students who are in their class. Many schools are adopting the philosophy that everyone in a child’s homeroom class is a “friend.” While that idea is good in theory, it is difficult to translate to the real world. We all have people in our lives who we prefer over others and that is okay. I believe the main goal is to teach your child to respect others. This way, no one feels left out or excluded but it gives the child a choice in making deeper connections with whom they choose.

(Pre)Adolescent Friends

For children in middle and high school, it is developmentally appropriate that they are investigating who they are and how they relate to the world. They are also searching for more independence, especially who is in their social circle. Parents of teens begin to worry about friends due to the larger and more diverse environment, and they worry about negative influences on their child’s behavior. First, it would help to ask your child questions in a relaxed setting. The discussion will be more productive if it is treated as a conversation and not an interrogation. Asking about your child’s choice in friends when they are wanting to hang out with them is not the best time to have that discussion. I would suggest having the conversation with the child by themselves and with limited distractions. One could begin the conversation by simply asking, “How is it going with your friends?” or having their child to describe their friends’ personalities. It is important for this conversation to be fun, relaxed, and relatable. Yes, one could say making friends now is a lot different than twenty years ago; however, the same core issues are still there. Many of us struggled with wanting more friends or being in friendships that were not positive. If you experienced those difficulties growing up, it would be beneficial to share with your child.

A show of good faith may be for parents to invite their child’s friends over to the home, especially those of concern. I think having pizza, board/video games, and movies would help everyone to feel more comfortable. That way you would be able to see your child’s friends in a more relaxed environment. It is important to not judge a book by its cover and to be open to your child having a variety of friends. If you try these ideas and still feel uncomfortable with your child’s friends, it is best to have an open and honest conversation. Simply hearing that a friend is a “bad influence” may not be enough to deter most teens. You may consider saying why you have reservations but also your personal experience in feeling so. Hopefully, this will help your child to understand you better. Whenever we have disagreements the best way to end the conversation is with a compromise. It may be beneficial for you and your child to discuss what would be a good compromise when it comes to their friends.

In conclusion, I am sure that parents would like for their child to have as many friends as possible. However, that can cause a lot of concern for parents. Friends should be an open and ongoing discussion with children. Be open to sharing with your child but also, be open to them sharing with you about their feelings.

Resources

Keeping Teens Home and Away from Friends during COVID-19

Maintaining Connections in an Age of Physical Distancing

Do You Need a Parent Time Out?

/in /by

In a previous blog, there was discussion related to “Alternatives to Time-Out” on how to effectively implement time out with children.  In working with parents, especially those who are having trouble with their child’s behavior, there comes a time when you need a break. These difficulties are even more apparent now that parents and children are spending all their time together. When children are exhibiting challenging behaviors, it is important for parents to give themselves a time out. We all have heard the instructions on planes where we need to put on our own oxygen mask first. The same applies to children. Parents need to practice self-care so they can put forth the maximum effort for their children. So the question needs to be asked, do you need a parent time out? Below are some tips on how parents can take some time for themselves.

Secret Missions

When I was younger, I would occasionally notice my mother saying that she had a “secret mission” with my aunt on the weekends. It was not until I was older that she told me she and my aunt would go get ice cream on Sunday afternoons together. Back then I did not pay it any concern, but now that I am older, I can recognize the importance of giving yourself a break. We need to do better with treating ourselves for no reason at all. Make it a point to figure out a quick and easy way you can treat yourself every week and see if your mood improves. I know it may be more difficult given the current climate, but it is very important that parents get their emotional needs met.

Regularly Scheduled Breaks

When was the last time when you did something just for you? Most of us do not ask ourselves that question because we are so busy. When we are busy and do not make time for ourselves, we become irritable and stressed, which impacts all areas of our life. Persistent irritability and stress impacts our work, mood, health, and relationships. It is time for a break if you over or underreact to your child’s behavior.  It is important that we make breaks a priority. Your break or personal time should not be at the end of a long day. Make it a priority to give yourself breaks throughout your day and week. This could look like taking a 10-minute break every hour or having Saturday mornings as a time for you to relax by yourself. If parents begin practicing these self-care strategies, then their children will learn the importance of making their well-being a priority.

Delegate

A particularly important aspect of parents taking a time out is for them to share their feelings with trusted friends and family members, especially their spouses. If you are the primary caregiver, it is important to know when to ask for help. I am sure you love your children, but we as individuals thrive on resetting our thoughts and feelings. That becomes even more difficult when you have children. If you find yourself getting stressed with parenting, ask a trusted friend or grandparent for advice. If you feel that the current situation is beyond your control, then maybe professional assistance is warranted. Therapists are a great resource to help with planning a daily schedule or providing ideas for positive reinforcement strategies. Now is the perfect time to get help and to learn strategies that will assist in future parenting.

Try Something New

I remember being in grad school preparing for internship interviews and having my instructors tell us to be prepared to talk about our hobbies. The funny part about the story is that none of us had hobbies at the time, because we were so busy with school. I feel most of us would like to have exciting interests, but we do not know what even interests us. I think the best place to start is what we would like to improve in our lives. If you want to get into better shape, how about joining an online exercise class or a healthy cooking class. I believe it is important that we engage in hobbies that foster positive relationships and connections with others. When we feel stressed, it can also feel very isolating. Going out of your comfort zone to meet new people will help you to learn that you are more than someone’s parent, spouse, employee, etc. We are our own unique person with our own goals and interests.

In conclusion, one of the best things you can do for your children is to take care of yourself. Parenting is probably the hardest thing anyone can do, so give yourself a break! Especially during these times it is important to ask, do you need a parent time out? You will not always get it right or perfect but if you are trying, that is what counts.

 

Resources

Advice for Caregivers of Children with Disabilities in the Era of COVID-19

Parenting and Caregiving from the American Psychological Association (APA)